Larry Correia (The True History)

That is not a middle name that runs in the family.

Gaspar Correia here on a personal post. Yes, I stole Zach’s computer but he’s busy playing Warhammer. It’s called that but there are no hammers involved…so, whatever.  Anyway, Larry Correia, the International Lord of Hate has been in the media a lot these days.

Wait, let me see if I can figure out this “link” thing…

http://monsterhunternation.com/

Okay, so Larry, like me is Portuguese, a descendent of people who sailed the oceans in search of plunder.  He’s a writer and makes a living from making stuff up. Recently he said that the Hugo awards was corrupt because they put their own pet causes and politics above the actual quality of the works being judged. He was called a liar. So Larry used their system, nominated people that they’d never vote for and the Hugo people started throwing out bigoted hate filled rants against them, thus showing their tolerance.

I don’t understand a lot of this modern world, but I don’t think any time period would make sense of that.

So, let me set the record straight. I, Gaspar Correia will tell the true and factual account of the life of Larry Correia, International Lord of Hate.

Young Larry began his life like any other child. But when he was only one year old his parents took him on a vacation. They were flying to Peru when their plane went down. Young Larry was the sole survivor. At one year of age he crawled through the rain forest eating berries and bugs. As he grew older he learned to hunt and soon he began wrestling alligators for food. At the age of three he killed a boa-constrictor with his bare hands.

A rare photo taken of the young Larry.

As he grew in strength and powers Larry also learned wisdom. At the age of twelve he discovered the hut of a ancient man. This wizened old man taught Larry to hone his hunting prowess into a living, lethal weapon. He taught him how to use deception with strength. He also taught him the power of the written word. From that day forward Larry had two simultaneous paths, that of the warrior and that of the writer. He would go on to combine these two paths into one steel sword of truth and justice.

When he was eighteen he hitch hiked to New York City where he lived on the streets, using his powers to patrol the streets and fight crime. He stalked through the tall buildings of the city, hunting for predators. After years of cleaning the streets of scum and vermin he caught the attention of a man that was the leader of a syndicate of super powered criminals. This League of Evil Villains sent their best assassins after Larry.

The LEV couldn’t complete their evil schemes until Larry was stopped.

One by one Larry fought the LEV assassins in epic battles that sprawled across the city. Frustrated by their failures, the League of Evil Villains developed an anti-matter ray that would destroy the city and Larry with it.  Larry’s Coalition of Good Guy Writers found out about this nefarious plot and assaulted the Evil Tower in downtown New York and fought floor by floor up to the top.

Anna Komnene – Wait, Gaspar, the death ray was on top of a skyscrapper in New York?

Gaspar – Yeah, so?

Anna – Well, if its built in the middle of the city and its going to blow up the city…?

Gaspar – Oh. Yeah. I just remembered. The Evil Tower was staffed only by robot soldiers. The villains themselves were at their lake house in the Hamptons.  So, the Coalition of Good Guy Writers forced their way to the top where a twenty foot tall cyborg with four arms ending in mono-molecular sharp blades waited for them.

This thing was a titanic monster of destruction

The Coalition of Good Guy Writers attacked. Three of them died at the blades of the robots but they bought Larry an opening. He rushed forward, leapt in the air and with one mighty punch he smashed the cyborg in the eye. The metal beast staggered back and fell off the skyscrapper. Then the Coalition destroyed the death ray and saved the city.

Years later, on the trail of a phantom serial killer, he landed in Utah where he met a black haired super heroine. Together they stopped the murderous phantom and three weeks later they were married.

Larry then tried to lead a normal life in Utah. He tried to blend in but his warrior ways and superhuman strength always made him stand out.

But then one day trouble found him. A giant, evil moose monster attacked his home high up in the mountains. The enromous creature charged at his fortress and beat against the walls but couldn’t break through. Larry had to act or his family would be killed. He shoved off the guise of normalcy and leapt off the roof and elbowed the giant monster on the head. The creature roared and swung at Larry. He caught the beast’s claws with one hand and punched the Moose in the face. He punched and punched but nothing was affecting the giant moose.

Now Larry knew why everyone called the mountain “Moose Mountain.”

The monster spewed poisonous bile out if its deformed mouth but Larry was immune to it.

Then Larry remembered something the wizened old man said. Long ago in his hut he told the young Larry that the written word had power beyond the physical.

So Larry took out his pen. He wrote down a quick story how the Moose had a secret weakness, a jewel on the tip of his nose. The jewel appeared, a bright red jewel right on the monster’s nose.

Larry punched the jewel, shattered it and the moose fell down dead. Larry then mounted the Moose over the gate of his fortress and forever called his fortress “Yard Moose Mountain.”

Olga – I like this story.

Gaspar – This is a true and accurate account of the life of Larry Correia. If anyone has any questions or doubts about Larry’s life, just let them read this and all doubts shall vanish.

 

Zach – Zachary Hill here to add my two cents about Larry. When he’s not battling monstrous moose he’s one of the best people I’ve ever had the privilege of calling a friend. Larry is one of the most generous and genuine people I’ve ever met. Countless times I’ve seen him stop in his busy schedule to answer questions to aspiring writers at conventions and give them advice. He treats everyone he meets with respect. If there’s one man who’s recent fame hasn’t gone to his head, It’s Larry Freaking Correia. He’s also one of the most honest. He’ll tell you straight up what he thinks. That’s a problem for some people. His writing is amazing but that’s not why I count him as a friend. He’s just a terrific human being. I’ve seen him defend liberals, communists, homosexuals, Muslims. To him it doesn’t matter.  For all those people saying that he’s a horrible person, you know nothing about him.  I’m proud to call him a friend.

The Battle of Salamis

This was a really big battle that was really important. I’m not going to say it was the most important battle ever, but………

Zach – I’m back from Japan and back in the Commonwealth of Virginia. I will be doing a post about my adventures in Japan, but first we have a topic that was requested: the Battle of Salamis.

Anna Komnene – Very good. My Greek ancestors defending the newly born democratic system, what’s not to love?

Joan D’Arc – Democratic? I do not like ziss thing. We need a king, not ziss…rabble.

Buffalo Calf Road – Nothing wrong with the tribe giving their opinion. Unless you happen to like tyranny. I don’t know. Maybe you do.

Gaspar Correia – Hey, if there’s money involved, I’m okay with whatever.

Olga – What are we talking about?

Zachary – We are talking about a really big battle with lots of fire.

Olga – Oh, good. I will pay attentions then.

Zachary – So, the Battle of Salamis. It’s the largest naval battle in history in terms of men involved. Think about that. Lepanto, Jutland, Spanish Armada, Midway…no other battle had near as many people. This was bigger than the Rebel assault on the second Death Star.

Anna – Also, not as many battles had so much at stake. This was the fate of Greece. If they lost this battle, Persia would have destroyed Democracy. There would have been no Roman Republic, no Byzantium, no Western civilization and no America. Everything we know would have been different.

Joan D’Arc – No France? Goodness no.

Zach – Exactly. So, let’s take a look. Persia, the most powerful empire in the world turned its greedy eyes on the Greek city states. There was no Greek nation, only a collection of fiercely independent city states that usually weren’t on good speaking terms.  They were more incoherent than Congress. The Spartans moved to block the Persian invasion of the Greek mainland at Thermopylae. That’s a whole post in of itself, but let me explain…no, let me summarize. King Xerxes invades Greece with an army of a million men and the Spartans with allies from other city-states, go down to stop them at a small pass where the Persian numbers wouldn’t work against them. And yes, I said “a million.” They held them off for a few days but when they were about to lose, most Greeks retreated but three hundred Spartans stayed behind to hold the Persians off. They died to the man but not without holding the Persians up and buying the rest of Greece time to get its act together.

The Spartans were prepared to die and welcomed it. You know I had to use a picture from 300, I couldn’t help it. It would have helped if the film makers actually bothered to learn how the Spartans fought.

Anna – An Athenian named Themistocles saw the danger of the expanding Persian Empire and started building a navy. They knew they couldn’t fight the entire Persian Empire so they started making allies with the other Greek states. Two centers of power formed, Athens and Sparta. Sparta focused on land power and Athens focused on sea power. Think of Russia and America during the cold war and suddenly aliens invade. Yeah, they might get together to fight the aliens, but it won’t be a smooth friendship.

Joan – Ze Spartans were killed to ze man at ze Hot Gates. So Persia was now free to invade Greece. Ze road was open to Athens. Zay evacuated Athens and prepared to fall back south. Ze Athenian fleet fell back to Salamis. Athenian allies fell back to ze Ithmus of Corinth, a narrow neck of land. Forts were built to keep Persia out. But ze problem was, the Persians had big fleet so they could go around. Themistocles knew Persia had to be stopped on ze water.

Buffalo – It’s simple. If Persia controls the water, they control the war. Just like how America has air and naval superiority now. Themistocles saw this and prepared his fleet for battle. He wanted the fight to be at Salamis because like Thermopylae it a tight space and gave their smaller navy an advantage.  Xerxes walked into an empty Athens and took it over, burning most of it to the ground. Then he turned his sights on the Greek fleet. Where is Napoleon? I bet he knows what that feels like.

Gaspar – Xerxes, after swearing vengeance against Greece and going on a pilgrimage into the desert, he found a hidden cave where he ascended into godhood and…
Buffalo – Hold on! That’s from the movie. It’s not true, Gaspar.
Gaspar – It is so. I swear on my reputation as a historian.

Anna – Xerxes set up a throne on the hillside overlooking Salamis so he could witness his grand victory. He didn’t realize that he was facing my fellow Greeks!

Zach – Only one of his admirals advised to hold off on attacking the Greeks. Artemesia, Queen of Hilacarnassus. She was a Greek that sided with the Persian Empire.

Artemesia was one of the coolest women in history. She was a queen and professional butt kicker. She was Xerxes right hand woman for years and relied on her to get things done. (I was going to draw Artemesia, but the movie made her look cooler than I would have.)

Buffalo – Artemesia was a woman after my own heart. She knew how to be “assertive.” She was a warrior that took charge and led men into combat.  So, she told Xerxes not to attack then and there but Themistocles had sent a message to Xerxes saying that he would submit to him and in battle he would turn against his fellow Greeks. This convinced Xerxes to go for it. Xerxes sent his fleet in and Artemesia was probably rolling her eyes as hard as she could.

Zach – The Greeks had 378 ships from various Greek city-states.  The Athenians had the largest number of ships with 180. Sparta supplied only 16. Corinth had the next largest at 40. It was a whole bunch of Greeks that were far more used to fighting each other than fighting other people yet there they were, facing a opponent that outnumbered them three to one. The Persians had about 1,200 ships.  The Persian ships were larger and slower which normally gave them an advantage in open water, but in the close, shallow waters of Salamis, the Greeks had the advantage. They could maneuver around and attack the larger Persian ships like hyenas taking down a lion.

The Greeks had a habit of luring the larger Persian forces into traps. “Are you ever not going to fall for that?” – Loki of Asgard

It was a fierce battle bigger than anything before or since. All of free Greece gathered in one place to fight off a common enemy. It was desperate and ferocious.

Gaspar – And this was when the Greeks unleashed their secret weapon, the Colossi! These man-made behemoths were infused by the fire from Vulcan’s forge and unleashed terrible weapons on the Persians.

Anna – The Persian navy moved in and was too cramped to maneuver properly. Their numbers worked against them and the Greeks swarmed over them, ramming them in the sides and fighting on the decks. The Persians couldn’t swim and the few that managed to cling on to debris were killed by the local Greeks watching the battle from the shores. Artemesia saw that the Persians were losing horribly and decided to make a hasty retreat. Unfortunately her way was blocked by other Persian vessels. So, she did what any other sensible woman would do and rammed her way out. She smashed her way through Persian vessels and made her escape. Xerxes saw this from his hilltop throne and thought she was sinking Greek vessels. He said, “Our men have become women and our women have become men.”

Joan – How horrible! What kind of barbaric woman iz ziss? Sinking her own allies?

Gaspar – Sounds legit to me.

Buffalo – I guess tyranny doesn’t inspire loyalty. But Xerxes awarded Artemesia after the battle. (She was one of the only admirals that lived and actually did a good job. He didn’t know about her ramming Persian vessels.) He awarded her a set of Hoplite armor as a trophy. I imagine that she put it on and looked absolutely badass.

Zach – The Greeks smashed the Persian fleet in a massively one sided battle that saw the majority of the Persian fleet destroyed. This gave Greece naval dominance for the rest of the war. This did a few things. This kept the Persians from resupplying their armies by sea. (Remember my post about logistics?) It also kept the Persians from landing troops wherever they wanted.  Also, it let the Greeks move their troops freely. It basically lost the Persians the war right then and there. A war so far from Persia couldn’t be supported without the navy. Xerxes was advised by Artemesia to go back to Persia and let the war be continued by his subordinates. The allowed Xerxes to claim victory if they won the war or blame it on his generals if they lost. Either way he came out smelling like roses. The Greeks spent the next few years pushing the remains of Xerxes’ million man army out of Greece.

Anna – After the war the Greeks coalesced into two spheres of power: the Athenians and Spartans. Athens became the center of a massive coalition and those that opposed their power grab gravitated to the Spartans. Then began the Peloponnesian War, but that’s another story.

Thank you for learning about ze Battle of Salamis. Now, if you like ziss, then please look at Zach’s book, “Sins of Prometheus.” This iz a holy book, yes?
Zach – What? No, it’s a post apocalyptic adventure.