Who are the Byzantines?

Zach – Welcome back to History HQ and another episode of Minimum Wage Historian!
Anna Komemne – We’re working on expanding the History HQ every day. We’re researching new topics and looking for those dusty corners of history that have been forgotten by others.

I have more Imperial blood and more fashion than you do, so listen up.

Buffalo Calf Road – And we have a new kitchen! (takes a bite out of a microwaved burrito)
Caesar – Which means more Hot Pockets for Caesar!
Mulan – And more room for Mountain Dew.
Jane Austen – And an expansive reading library.
Napoleon – Reading library? Pah! You have a Nook! You need no library!
Matilda of Tuscany – And a shooting range behind the HQ. I’m still working on getting a better shot group than Joan D’Arc. She’s cheating though; she has that new Broadsword by Crusader Weaponry. That thing is too accurate to be natural.
Buffalo – Figures she’d use a gun called a Broadsword made by a company called ‘Crusader.’ I prefer my Henry Lever action and Beretta Px4 in 9mm.
Charles Martel – I like my Russian SVD.
Henry VIII – And the game room! We must not leave out the game room.
Zach – Yes, yes, we have expanded a great deal. I won’t bore the readers with how we did it.
Napoleon – By selling antiques we bring with us from our times.
Zach – Shut up, short stuff. Remember that whole ‘don’t tell about…’ Never mind.
Napoleon – I am not short! Tomoe is shorter than me!
Tomoe Gozen – But I carry a very large sword.
Zach – Hey! We have a panel here. Everyone not involved, please go find something else to do.
Tomoe – I’m trying out this ‘hot tub’ with the hopes that it is as relaxing as the hot springs of Japan. I’ll go see if Empress Theodora is here. She seldom is, but I’ll ask if she would care to join me.
Jane Austen – I shall join you as I read.
Napoleon – Um…I too shall join you!
Tomoe – Girls only.
Napoleon – But Genghis is hoarding the X-Box.
Zach – That’s what Genghis does; he hoards.
(All leave except for Anna Komemne, Mulan, Charles Martel, Buffalo Calf Road, and Julius Caesar.)
Caesar – So, what’s today’s topic again?
Zach – You were supposed to read up on this.
Caesar – Caesar was occupied.
Mulan – He was playing Saints Row 3 on your X-box.
Caesar – That is a horrible accusation! I demand that you take it back!
Anna – No, you were definitely playing that all day.
Buffalo – Today’s topic, Caesar, is… Maybe Anna should introduce this one.
Anna – Today’s topic is (drum roll) The Byzantine Empire!
Zach – Yes, indeed! You’ve heard of the Byzantine Empire many times from me in the past. It’s time we get down to it and finally discuss just what it is.
Martel – I’m still waiting on your third installment of the Venetian history.
Zach – Oh, yeah. I’ll get to it eventually. So, the Byzantine Empire. By raise of hands, who as heard of it? (besides from me) Then, raise your hands if you know a little about its history. Now, raise your hands if you’re wondering WTF is a Byzantine Empire?
Anna – This makes me very sad and very confused.
Zach – Well, western historians have basically ignored the Byzantine Empire for hundreds of years. It’s the German’s fault. How can there be a Holy Roman Empire if the Eastern Roman Empire was still around? So, they invented the term “Byzantine” and treated it like a separate and unrelated empire.
Buffalo – Those lousy Germans.
Anna – As Zach mentioned, the Byzantine Empire, my home, was the eastern half of the Roman Empire. When the Western half fell (see previous post about that) the eastern half continued on for another thousand years. That’s quite an achievement by anyone’s standard!

Here's a map of the Empire around Anna's time.

Mulan – Meh.
Caesar – Mulan, remember, your Chinese government was not continuous.
Mulan – (Shrugs.) Depends what you mean by continuous, I guess.
Zach – The Eastern Roman Empire was mostly Greek speaking, with Greek being the language of trade and eventually the government. They were strongly connected with their ancient Greek past and the classics of Plato, Aristotle, Thucydides and especially Homer.
Anna – Oh! I love Homer! “Words are potent in debate, deeds in war decide your fate.”
Zach – And it wasn’t just Ancient Greece they followed, they were also very well connected with their more recent Roman heritage. When Constantine recreated the small Greek town of Byzantion into Constantinople, the capital of the Roman Empire and largest city in the world for centuries, he brought in Roman noble families, and even Roman street people to fill the streets with an authentic Roman vibe.
Mulan – That’s one way to do Feng Shui.
Anna – Caesar, you’d be interested to know that our generals read your works over and over again. Our armies trained from Roman military manuals.
Zach – Constantine moved the capital from Rome to Constantinople for a few reasons.
Mulan – One; to get away from paganism. He wanted a new capitol free from old, corrupt influences. Another was that he wanted a capitol that was actually in an important place. Rome is no where important so once the government moved away, Rome became a backwater. Constantinople was set at an important place between Europe, Asia and the Mideast. It straddled the Black Sea and the Mediterranean.
Caesar – Yes, yes, that’s all well and good, but a city alone doesn’t decide the fate of an empire. What about their legions?
Martel – My armies that I used to defeat the Moors were inspired by the Legions, but I’m afraid the legions vanished from Byzantium.
Caesar – Then how did they wage war?
Martel – They fought very different than the western Romans. They had heavy infantry, but that wasn’t their main fighting arm. That was their cavalry. They got stirrups from the Sarmatians and Western Europe got stirrups from Byzantium. (See previous post about Byzantine cavalry.)

Russians copied a lot of their sense of style from the Byzantines. (The long sleeves were Turkish style though.)

Anna – That wasn’t all we had. We also had Greek fire!
Zach – Flame throwers! They fended off a Viking invasion with a few barges and flame throwers. Then when the armies of Islam came to the walls of Constantinople, they defeated them again with flamethrowers.

Flame throwers in the Dark Ages? Isn't that like using a cheat code? What next? Byzantine "God Mode?" Well, their Cataphract cavalry were kinda like juggernauts.

Buffalo – I guess advanced technology gave them an advantage over their enemies. Technology overcoming numerical disadvantage. Go figure.
Mulan – And they were almost always outnumbered. They kept their armies small but well equipped and well trained.
Buffalo – Okay, I have to ask because you Europeans have…funny ideas about women. How did the Byzantines treat their women?
Anna – Well, Wealthy women had access to the best education in Europe. I was taught grammar, rhetoric, the classics, science, and philosophy.
Mulan – But you had limited freedom, yes?
Anna – Well, we generally weren’t allowed in public without an escort. But we did have several women Empresses that ruled on their own. Zoe and Irene are two examples. We also venerated many women saints. Mary was the patron saint of Constantinople.
Caesar – So, what happened to the Eastern Empire after the West fell?
Martel – They tried to get the West back.
Caesar – How did it go? I assume they were not as successful. Shame they did not have a general as genius as I am.
Zach – Actually, they had a general that was more brilliant than you.
Caesar – Impossible!
Zach – His name was Belisarius and they say he’s the most brilliant general since Hannibal. With a small and insufficient force he managed to conquer and permanently wipe off the map the Vandal kingdom of North Africa. But that wasn’t enough. No, sir. He then went and invaded Italy. This was known as the Gothic War. The Goths controlled Italy and had set up a pretty decent kingdom there. They were Romanized barbarians and copied the art, culture and government of the Romans.
Caesar – So, they took back Italy for the Empire?
Zach – Indeed they did, at least, for a short time. It’s a long and very cool story. I’ll do a post about it later on. They fought up and down the Italian peninsula for years. The destruction caused by this war crippled Italy for centuries to come. The aqueducts to Rome were permanently destroyed during this war. Then they set up their Italian HQ in Ravenna.
Buffalo – Oh! That’s where they have all those pretty stone pictures!
Anna – Stone pictures?
Zach – The Mosaics. Yes, I’ve seen the mosaics there. They’re absolutely stunning and that’s not a word I use very often.
Anna – Yes, our Icons were inspiring.

A mosaic in Venice done by craftsmen from Constantinople.

 

A mosaic portrait of Empress Theodora in Ravenna, the capitol of Byzantine Italy. (This mosaic is breathtaking in real life.)

 

Byzantines didn't buy into that "minimalist" crap. This gives you an idea of the sensory overload a typical Byzantine church inspires.

Martel – The West ignored Byzantium until the times of the crusades. The Byzantine emperor…
Anna – My father!
Martel – Yes, Anna’s father, Alexios I, called for some military aid from the West, so the Pope sends an entire crusade!

Is my daughter behaving herself? Tell her to stop texting me every five minutes. I do have an empire to run.

Mulan – It was a filthy barbarian horde. I hate barbarian hordes.
Buffalo – But what were the people like? Were they like Caesar here?
Anna – No, not really. The Byzantine character was very religious. Common people would debate in the streets about the duel nature of Christ or the role of Icons. We were far more mystical than the rational, practical Latin Romans. We also didn’t enjoy war like the Latins did. Instead we’d buy off our enemies and have them attack other enemies. We preferred to avoid war if it could be avoided and often paid mercenaries to fight for us. We’d rather attend religious ceremonies, read, debate and wonder at the beauty of art.
Martel – And their government relied much more on the person of the Emperor than the West did. For example, Venice, a former Byzantine protectorate, followed the Roman Republican system. They HATED cults of personality and didn’t ever want any one person to gain too much power. Or the Holy Roman Empire was more of a collection of barons that debated and voted than a true Empire.
Zach – That reminds me. We need to get a German on the panel.
Martel – No we don’t. Us Franks and Germans don’t get along very well.
Mulan – I don’t think the Franks get along well with anyone.
Buffalo – The Heron and Iroquois.
Caesar – I’m sure we can find one good German. I mean, what have the barbarians of Germany ever done wrong?
(There’s an awkward silence for a while.)
Caesar – What?
Mulan – Never mind. We’ll, um, we’ll discuss all that later.
Buffalo – A thousand years of history is a lot to talk about. I’m hungry.
Anna – I can talk of this subject all day.
Caesar – You should write a book about it then.
Anna – I did. The Alexiad.
Caesar – Never read it.
Anna – You should. I talk a great deal about war.
Caesar – I’m currently reading the “Golden Cord” by Paul Genesse. What a fantastic read! I want to go hunt dragons now!
Anna – Dragons aren’t real.
Mulan – Says you. I’m reading “Spellbound,” by Larry Correia. Now that’s good stuff.
Martel – I’m reading Carnage and Culture by Victor Davis Hanson.
Buffalo – Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson. I want to jump around like an allomancer! (makes ‘whooshing’ sounds)
Zach – There’s so much Byzantine history that it’s impossible to even do any kind of justice to it in such a short period of time. It’s an Empire that blends, Greek, Roman, Christian, and Eastern influence all into one. Their history is filled with civil wars, rebellions, assassinations, plots, heresy, riots and wars. Also, they had style!
Anna – Yeah, we’re pretty cool.
Zach – But why should we care?
Anna – Why? For numerous reasons. Remember that little thing you westerners call the Renaissance? Well, that was birthed when Byzantines fled the dying empire with copies of all those Ancient Greek classics that had been lost to the west. Those books of learning fueled the westerners to see the world differently and want to learn more.
Next; they saved Western Europe from the invasions of the Islamic Empire. After the death of Muhammad, the Islamic Empire expanded and kept expanding as far as they could reach. Their goal was to surround the Mediterranean completely. Their target in the 700 and 800′s was Europe. They invaded Byzantine territory over and over again but Byzantium held them back, thus allowing Western Europe to grow until it could stabilize and defend itself.
Martel – I stopped them in France!
Anna – But only after they took all of Spain. Europe would be a very different place if Byzantium hadn’t stopped them. Also, we were responsible for Christianizing the Slaves of Eastern Europe and Russia. Moscow was supposed to be a third Rome. Russia looked to Byzantium as their religious forefathers. The Crimean War was fought because Russia wanted to invade the Ottoman Empire and recreate the Byzantine Empire. Catherine the Great had that vision of a unified Eastern Orthodox Empire.

Here's the Russian saint, Olga, being baptized a Christian. Thank the Byzantines for that...oh, and the Cyrillic alphabet the Ruskies use. Also a Byzantine invention.

Zach – And the stirrup, fork and Justinian’s Code of laws.
Tally:
1. Renaissance
2. Saved Western Europe from Arab domination
3. fork
4. stirrup
5. Christianization and civilization of Slavs and Russia
6. Unified system of laws
7. Style

Zach – As you can see, they equal out to be pretty dang awesome.

When you have Viking's working for your Empire wearing armor like this; yeah, you know you're pretty awesome.

Lost Colony of Roanoke

Zach – Welcome once again to Minimum Wage Historian! Today we will be discussing the Lost Colony of Roanoke! (ominous music plays in the background) With me is my co-host, Anna Komemna.
Anna – Glad to be hear. I can’t wait to get started. I’m curious as to what happened my self.
Zach – Patience my Byzantine noblewoman. We will unravel this mystery.  Next we have …yes, Napoleon Bonaparte.
Napoleon – I need no introduction you silly man. Everyone knows who I am.
Buffalo Calf Road – You’re the short guy with the big hat, right? The Ka’evé’ho’e
Napoleon – Why you…! I am not short! I don’t know what that savage word means, but I know I should punish you for it!
Buffalo – I just called you a short white man.
Zach – And next we have famous Cheyenne warrior woman, Buffalo Calf Road!
Buffalo – Thank you, thank you. Hahoo!
Zach – And then we have Hua Mulan, woman general from Ancient China. She can kick your butt with kung fu.
Mulan – I just saw that cartoon called “Mulan”. It was swine dung.
Zach – If you thought that was inaccurate, wait till we talk about Pocahontas. But I digress. (not this episode.)
Napoleon – Are you sure you have time for this, Zach Are you not writing your silly little book?
Zach – Why, yes, I am writing a book. It’ll be my…I lost count of how many books I’ve written. You wrote, let’s see. Oh yeah, ONE and it was crap. Should I have Jane Austin come back and slap you with a literary pimp hand? She’s got the Bronte sisters as back up. They roll together.
Napoleon – I am not afraid of this woman!
Zach – Jane? Can you come in here a minute?”
Napoleon – No, no! Let us move on, yes? We have much history to discuss.
Zach – Very well. You’re lucky Jane’s showing Caesar and Matilda her “accomplishments with the cello”… and by cello she meant my bass guitar.
Anna – In 1584, Queen Elizabeth gave permission for Walter Releigh to establish a permanent colony in the new world. Sir Releigh did not go himself to create this colony, instead he sent Phillip Amadas and Arthur Barlowe to go do all the work for him.

You have seven years to get that colony up and going, you pirate! We have to outdo Gingrich's plan for a colony.

Mulan – Why would they be interested in a small settlement clear across the ocean? Seems inefficient to me.
Napoleon – They wanted to use it as a base to go forth and act like pirates to the Spanish. Unlike in my time, the Spanish here are the ultimate sea power.
Mulan – The term was…privateers, right?
Anna – Yes, privateers are government sanctioned pirates. As long as they attack the enemies of the country that hired them, they were under full protection of that country.
Buffalo – They didn’t come just to start a base for pira…privateers, but they also wanted to loot, steal and take whatever riches the New World had. I’m sure there was some nobility in there somewhere.
Zach – Well, they sent an expedition to go take a look and they brought back (willfully) two natives who told Releigh all about their homeland. This got them interested in a second expedition to set up a permanent colony.

Why, I am no pirate! How dare you...okay, I can't say that with a straight face. I'm totally a pirate. Pirate pride!

Mulan – We Chinese also sent expeditions to North America but I do not think they ever planned on staying.
Anna – After their ships got separated in a storm, they met near Puerto Rico where they set up a small fort and then promptly abandoned it. Then they sailed north to what they called Roanoke Island, off the coast of North

Here's Releigh's ship. It's not that big at all. It was an econo-model.

Carolina. They met with some of their lost ships, one of which left dropped off their colonists and hurried up to Newfoundland to do some privateering.
Buffalo – Are all your explorers pirates and swindlers?
Napoleon – No, the Spanish were fanatical plunderers.
Buffalo – And all you French seemed to care about was fur trapping. What strange priorities you people have.
Zach – So they find the island and set up shop. They make a little fort like the one they abandoned and begin to make friends with the local natives.
Anna – See? They’re not so bad.
Buffalo – Zach, let me tell this story.
Zach – Be my guest.
Buffalo – The English set up their little colony and begin making friends with the locals. One of the villages they befriended was called Aquascogoc. One of the settlers lost or misplaced a cup and claimed that it must have been stolen by an Indian. Because Indians cared so much about such things. So, as payment for the cup, the colonists go and burn down the entire village. The colonists were then surprised that the natives suddenly turned hostile towards them. Imagine that. Who would have guessed?

What the Indian villages looked like around that area. Obviously it had to be destroyed.

Anna – Yes, so relations with the locals weren’t going very well.
Buffalo – Stop burning our villages and stealing our stuff and maybe we can be friends.
Zach – Short on supplies and the relief fleet no where in sight, they decide to send a ship back to find out what was going on with that pizza they ordered. This return voyage would bring back potatoes and maize to the Europeans.
Buffalo – And the Indians attacked the fort.
Zach – Yes, the colony had a few PR hang ups.
Anna – England sends another fleet to go and establish another colony in the Chesapeake Bay and their orders were to stop by Roanoke first, pick up all the colonists there and bring them along. But when they got there all they found was an abandoned fort and a skeleton.
Mulan – So they went up north and established the new colony in Virginia?
Anna – No, the fleet commander kicks all the colonists off the ship and tells them to reestablish Roanoke. Mulan, isn’t building your home near a mysterious place of death bad feng shui?
Mulan – It’s not generally considered a good thing…in most cultures.
Buffalo – According to the Navajo you can get “ghost sickness.”
Napoleon – What is this ghost sickness?
Buffalo – It’s when a creepy girl comes out of your TV and kills you.
Mulan – You just made that up.
Buffalo – Yeah. I watched the Ring last night. But there such a thing as ghost sickness.
Anna – The English then set up a new colony where the other colonists disappeared. They try to reestablish relations with the Croatans and other tribes, which I imagine was somewhat awkward because the tribes didn’t even want to talk to them.
Napoleon – Maybe because they were still picking the colonists from their teeth?
Buffalo – They weren’t cannibals, távo’eéh!
Mulan – Surrounded by enemies they send a man named White, one of Releigh’s friends, back to England to beg for help, but while he’s home a war breaks out between the English and Spanish. This is the war where Spain sends the Armada up to invade England. So England needs every ship available to stop the Spanish and White can’t find a ship to return to the colony. There are some complications and failed attempts, but to make a long story short, White doesn’t get to return until after three years.
Buffalo – White also had a granddaughter there, Virginia Dare. She was the first English person born in the New World. Unfortunately, not the last.
Zach – The only ship he could charter was a…you guessed it, a privateer ship that he convinces to make a brief stop there. When he arrives he finds the place deserted. Everything was carefully packed up and the houses were disassembled showing that it wasn’t a hasty departure. Also, they had a signal that if they had to leave the colony forcefully, they were to leave a Maltese cross as a sign. No crosses were found but they did find the word “Croatoan” carved in a tree and “Cro” carved in another tree. Croatoan was another nearby island.

"Look sir! Beneath this strange word it says, 'for good time call..."

Anna – But before he could go looking for them, a giant storm came and they had to leave.
Napoleon – Ha! It wasn’t until twelve years later that Releigh got off his fat, lazy English backside and tried to find out what happened to the colony. He sent his little expedition but they never made it to the island because another storm. These English are afraid of a little weather!
Buffalo – Soooo, what happened to them? They had to have gone somewhere.
Napoleon – I have a theory that is not my own.
Buffalo – I can’t wait to hear it.
Napoleon – Cannibals.
Zach – So, anyway, what other theories are out there?
Anna – The most prominent and most likely is that they moved in with local tribes. They probably weren’t self sufficient enough and had to either submit to the surrounding tribes or made some sort of bargain. The theory goes that the Chowanoke tribe took them in but another tribe attacked that tribe and took all the survivors as trophies and slaves. There are reasons to believe this. When Jamestown was settled, one of their missions was to find out what happened to the Roanoke colony. They found evidence of two story stone houses that the natives said white people had taught them to make. Also there were several reports of European slaves among different tribes in the area. One report said that there was an English maid among them. Some believe that this was Virginia Dare due to the age of the reported girl. Also, some of the tribes that used to live near Roanoke told the Jamestown settlers that they had white ancestors.
Anna – After that there were many reports by English colonists of grey-eyed Indians. Some French Huguenots later came across Indians with blond hair and blue eyes. In the late 1880s, Hamilton McMillan, a North Carolina state legislator, found that a local Indian tribe claimed to be descended from the Roanoke colonists and that some of the words in their language were similar to old, out of date English words and that some of their family names were similar to the names of the lost colonists. He made the “Croatan bill” that proclaimed them descendants of the lost colonists. There were also many reports of English colonists meeting groups of Indians that spoke English and knew about Christianity.
Mulan – That is one theory. I have one. When John Smith asked chief Powhatan about the lost colony, he said “oh, sure, they were chilling with an enemy tribe so we wiped them all out. Here, I have some English helmets we looted. Take a look.”
Zach – Sorry, I wrote that quote. I paraphrased.

No, that's pretty much how I said it.

Mulan – But the essence is true. According to that legend, he took credit for destroying the colonists and had proof.
Buffalo – Or maybe they tried to make it back to England and sunk or starved to death. Or, here’s an interesting one, maybe the Spanish did find them and destroy them! The Spanish do have a history of attacking forts and erasing evidence that there was a fort. They did it before at Ft. Charles and tried it at Jacksonville Florida on Ft. Caroline.
Anna – Seems to me like the colonists were either captured, assimilated or killed by the Indians.
Zach – But there is one possibility that we haven’t discussed.
Anna – What?
Zach – Zombies. That would explain why there are no bodies. Once killed, they got back up and walked away. No wonder Powhatan had to kill them.
Anna – And on that fascinating note, we end it here and leave you to come up with your own conclusions.
Buffalo – The Indians killed them.
Anna – Their OWN conclusions.
Buffalo – But they did!
Zach – Zombies.

Napoleon – Cannibals!

Mulan – You all have it wrong.  It was old man Withers with a mask trying to scare the kids away from the Spanish gold at the bottom of the lake.

Mystery solved!

Why England won the Battle of Trafalgar.

Wooden ships blastin' away at each other sending shards of wood flying in all directions. Why did this happen? Find out!

Zach – Welcome to another episode of Minimum Wage Historian. Today we’ll be discussing the important battle of Trafalgar. The epic sea battle of England versus France and Spain. It has a funny name but it wasn’t a funny battle. With me today I have my co-host, Anna Komemne.
Anna – Always a pleasure to be here.
Zach – And next we have Hua Mulan, legendary woman soldier of ancient China.
Mulan – (Nods with a slight glare.)
Zach – And then we have Charles Martel, military leader of the Franks, known awesomely as “the Hammer.” What do I have to do to get a cool nickname like that?
Martel – You have to save Europe from invasion and destroy all your enemies by the sword.
Zach – Oh, not exactly in my schedule. And then we have Buffalo Calf Road, Cheyenne warrior woman, killer of Custer and has a battle named after her.
Buffalo – Thank you, Zach.
Zach – And then we also have Julius Caesar, dictator of the Roman Republic.
Caesar – I always love discussing empires and great battles.
Buffalo – And conquering people’s homelands and abusing the natives. (scratches chin) Now where have I heard of something like that before?
Zach – And today we have a special guest, Jane Austin. Writer of some of the most widely read books in the English language.

Greetings to you all! I do hope you enjoy your stay. Care for tea?

Jane – My, it is certainly different here than I expected. But it is good to be here. How is your family? They are well I hope.
Zach – They’re doing well.
Jane – Glad to hear it.
Anna – All of us are historians, leaders or warriors. Why is a novelist here?
Zach – For a couple of reasons. First, I’m a novelist and so I gotta throw a shout out. Second, she lived in England during this very time we’ll be discussing. She also had two brothers that were in the navy and eventually reached the rank of admiral. So, she’ll be able to give us a different perspective on this whole battle.
Mulan – Then why isn’t our buddy Napoleon here?
Zach – Do you want him here?
Mulan – Not really.
Zach – Well, he’d be a little too biased and I doubt he’d be able to look at it objectively.
Anna – Are we journalists now?
Zach – No, then we’d just have Napoleon pay us and we’d say whatever he’d want us to say. We’re historians. We’re held to a higher standard.
Buffalo – Darn straight we are.
Martel – Go Team History!
(All make an “H” symbol with their hand and thrust it into the air! Bright light appears and an “H” logo appears above table.)
Mulan – I love doing that.
Zach – Yeah, that was a good one. So, on to the main event. First let’s discuss the countries involved. Let’s start with Spain.
Anna – Spain was still trapped in the Middle Ages. They had a small aristocracy that didn’t lift a finger for work. Work was beneath them. They sat around idle and wasted the money they looted from the New World.
Buffalo – I think I’m going to need a Mountain Dew before I crack someone’s skull.
Jane – Yes, quite backwards they were. They still had two classes, the nobles and scores of helpless peasants. I imagine that that is how the nobles liked it. The enlightenment hadn’t affected them aside from the latest fashions of course. They kept their peasants ignorant, illiterate and impoverished.
Buffalo – But their sailors were great sailors, right? They did discover my homeland after all. And then robbed it and slaughtered the people they found.

I'm tired of this. Why can't Europe...just stay in Europe?

Martel – Not exactly. The men on their ships weren’t sailors. Most of them were peasants that had been press ganged into the crews.
Caesar – Yes, but the British did that as well.
Jane – They did but there was a difference. Once an Englishman was put on a ship, he became a sailor because he was trained by sailors and learned his part to play. My brothers loved to talk about their profession. To become an officer in His Majesty’s Navy, one had to go through a great deal of training first as a midshipman. As a young midshipman, my brothers had to learn all manner of things such as all the knots, all the jobs, and all the ways to navigate. Only after they learned all manner of important skills for seamanship did they become a lieutenant. The Spanish didn’t have anything like that. Their officers were appointed on whims, as sport and as flights of fancy.
Zach – So, they were stuck in a time warp.
Caesar – And their two social class system didn’t translate well to the workings of a ship. The incompetent officers were aloof and didn’t communicate well with the incompetent and ignorant crew.
Mulan – They were also fatalistic. To them, a glorious and bloody defeat was more admired than a victory. As long as they withheld their honor, they counted it as a victory.
Jane – We English on the other hand, did not have the luxury of defeat. An officer in the English navy could come from any walk of life. There were commoners as officers and those men didn’t have nobility to fall back on. No. Their reputation rode on their ability to command. If they failed, their station in life decreased. If they won victory, then they rose and could even become lords.
Buffalo – So, the English knew what they were doing. What I remember was that the English were very…what do you call it? Patriotic. Yes. They loved England and they loved their individual freedom.
Zach – Right, I guess we’re talking about the English now.
Jane – Unlike Spain, our aristocracy was expected to earn their own money. Many owned farms. I wrote books to help support my family. We were, I suppose you would call them capitalists. We had a free market, low taxes and for that we prospered.
Zach – Sounds nice.
Buffalo – It does sound nice. We were doing quite well until the government decided to “help” us Cheyenne.
Anna – And now for the French. I’m so glad Napoleon isn’t here. We’d never here the end of how mighty and perfect his countrymen are.
Martel – I suppose I’ll speak for the French. We should get Joan D’Arc back here. Her with Napoleon and we could have an all French discussion! Anyway… They were in a very confused time for them. For one, they had many aristocrats from the royal era. These aristocrats played things safe, thought for a long time and were generally incompetent in their elitism and arrogance. Then you had the revolutionaries and they didn’t know who or what they were. The navy had been neglected since before the revolution and when the revolution started, many sailors simply left.

(sighs) How did my Franks become the French? (mumbles something about powdered wigs and snails)

Mulan – Their logistics were in neglect. No matter how good an army is, if the logistics fail, the army fails. The French couldn’t get the lumber and material fast enough to build enough ships, so from the start they were doomed to be outnumbered. Also, the revolution destroyed the sailors individualism and pride, without those a navy falls apart.  If someone said something the government didn’t like, they would be punished.  The political commissars were appointed to each ship to ensure no one spoke out of line.  The Freedom of Speech didn’t exist for them and they felt the effects.  This affected their moral greatly.  Frustration grew.  This caused the land armies to be very destructive and spontaneous, but on a ship this simply doesn’t work. On a ship everything has its place and purpose. It must be orderly. I was a general and I spent more time dealing with issues such as supply than I did on battle strategy or tactics.  If your soldiers or sailors don’t care about what they’re fighting for, they’re doomed to failure.

Mulan telling it how it is. So listen up.

Caesar – A people must know who they are in order to fight. The way these three countries fought was an indication of their society. As Rome lived, so she fought.  France was confused, paranoid and afraid and so that was how they fought.  Spain was fatalistic, backwards and blind.  England was aggressive, self reliant and confident and it showed at Trafalgar.
Anna – Let’s talk about Admiral Nelson now.
Buffalo – He was a short, skinny, ugly, sickly man that was prone to seizures. He also had one arm. He was also one of the most loved leaders the English ever had. To his enemies he was the fiercest opponent they ever faced. He had the ferocity of a warrior.

Sometimes heroes aren't dashing, with long flowing hair and chiseled abs. Sometimes they're ordinary people put in extraordinary circumstances.

Caesar – And the humility of Cincinnatus. Cincinnatus was a Roman general who had retired to his farm. When the Republic was in danger he came out of retirement, took dictator powers, won the war and then went right back to his farm. He was an example of Roman humility and civic duty. Nelson had this as well. He thought he was destined to be a hero and fought for his love of England. That is very Roman of him. Humble but violent.
Buffalo – I like him. He doesn’t care what others thought. He fought for what he believed in regardless of the consequences.
Jane – I heard my brothers speak of him as if he were a legend. It was a sad day when we heard that he passed on. It was a great because we had won such a victory over the French, but sad because we lost a beloved hero. He was a man who loved his country and was put in a position to save his country.
Buffalo – Save? How?
Jane – I remember that time well. People were tense. We knew Bonny…sorry, Napoleon was planning an invasion of England. We had used our fleet to blockade France but he snuck ships past our blockade whenever he could so he could amass them in the Caribbean and move in to secure the invasion route to England. This was no idle threat.
Zach – And now we come to the reason for the battle. Napoleon wanted to knock England out of the war by invading and destroying their ship yards, supplies and finances. Nelson was ordered to not let that happen. This battle was to save England from totalitarianism. The stakes were high.
Caesar – When the French and Spanish fleet saw the English fleet, they already thought in their hearts that they were dead. With that sort of fatalism, it is hard to win any battle. They outnumbered the English but knew they were out manned.
Jane – The English were better sailors and everyone knew it. A French crew could fire their cannon once every three minutes while a mediocre English crew could fire it every ninety seconds, a good crew twice as fast as that.
Martel – When the fleets met each other, the French did so in a messy, haphazard manner and the English saw this. They saw holes in their lines and this is deadly for any battle. I taught my Frankish soldiers this and drilled it into them again and again.
Caesar – The battle was won before it ever began.

I seem to recall something about "I came, I saw, I conquered." Hmm... I wonder.

Mulan – Discipline, pride, zeal and logistics. The outcome was predetermined.
Anna – The English had fought several sea battles in their recent history and always came out on top, usually a five to one casualty rate. At the recent Battle of the Nile where the English destroyed a French navy, it was overwhelming, but then the French had been confident or at least not in the throws of despair. It’s a pattern. The English kept winning and everyone else kept loosing. At Trafalgar, the ratio would be more like ten to one.
Buffalo – Okay, here’s my question. I understand that the English were better sailors, but they had the same ships, right? No country’s ships were better than the other and their cannons and guns were the same. I mean, the biggest, most dangerous ship in the battle was the “Santa Trinidad,” a Spanish ship! I can see a big victory like this when there’s a difference in tactics or technology, but does seamanship really play that big of a part?

Ships of the line were the battleships of their day. They were immensly expensive and took years to make. They were some of the most complex and refined engines of war ever. Centureis of refinement led to these and took hundreds of men to run.

Mulan – Aggressiveness. The English were out to destroy the enemy while the French and Spanish sat there just hoping to survive. The mind set plays a big difference.
Martel – Like that song, “Eye of the Tiger.”
Buffalo – That song you were listening to earlier? No, I was thinking more “Be Aggressive” by Faith No More.
Anna – You’re both wrong, it’s “Shoot to Thrill” by AC-DC.
Mulan – I think Anna’s right on this one.
(all nod in agreement)

Of course I'm right. That's the outcome of noble and good breeding. I was born in the "Purple Chamber" of course!

Jane – Well, oh dear…um….this “aggressiveness” comes from our society. At home we receive only what we earn. If we wish to succeed in life, we have to fight for it and struggle hard for it. We are given nothing. So, we English are used to seeing our goal and going after it with every shred of zeal we have.
Caesar – Yes, this English determination came from their free market, democratic, capitalist society. You would not think that such things would make a difference in a battle, but it does. Very much so.
Mulan – Before the battle Nelson gave his men orders. I have a paper here that has a quote….where is it? Ah, here it is.
“Something must be left to chance; nothing is sure in a Sea Fight beyond all others. Shot will carry away the masts and yards of friends as well as foes…Captains are to look to their particular Line as their rallying point. But, in case signals can neither be seen or perfectly understood, no captain can do very wrong if he places his ship alongside that of an enemy.”
This goes to show that he gave the captains free reign to do as they saw fit. They weren’t tightly controlled like the French and Spanish. In the French navy, the captains weren’t told the over all strategy, only the small part they had to play.
Anna – There is also another order he gave to his captains, a final one before the battle started. “England expects that every man will do his duty.” He even flew this on his flags as a message to every ship.

There's "Flag-ese" for that order. Okay, I made that up. It's not called flag-ese.

Mulan – And in the end, the French and Spanish fleet lost 22 ships and the English lost none.

Victory!! Nothing tastes sweeter!

Anna – But they lost something very important. In the battle, the English flagship, “Victory” was in the thick of the battle and Nelson was mortally wounded. He was taken below decks where he lingered on for a while but eventually died.
Zach – If you want to read more about the battle itself, then there are plenty of sources.
Caesar – I would have been proud to have Nelson in my Legions.
Mulan – A man, put in the right place at the right time. Though I think Napoleon wouldn’t agree to that.
Jane – Yes, we mourned Nelson as a country, but he did save England from tyranny. We were able to keep our dynamic, bold and individualist society…until we threw it away in favor of what England is now.

Zach – So, England was saved from invasion.  The tactics, traditions, pride and system of flag communication would last almost unchanged until WWI.  In the sea battle of Jutland, where Dreadnaught fought Dreadnaught, the English still quoted “England expects” and used flags to talk to each other.  Go to London and you can see Trafalgar square.

Caesar – We’re finished.  I’m going to order Chinese.  Anyone else in?

(Mulan glares at him.)

Joan of Arc’s lesson on Medieval weapons

(Camera shows a table with swords, axes, clubs and maces lined up on it. Joan of Arc, wearing plate armor, comes out and stands behind the table. She looks at the camera with serious expression on her face. Addresses audience with a French accent.)
Joan – Welcome to Minimum Wage Historian. I am the maid, Joan from Domremy. Zach is busy…(looks off camera and then shakes her head.) I will not lie. Sorry, God forbids it. Zach can’t be here today because he is writing a silly fantasy novel. Today I will be going over the weapons used in Europe during your so called Middle Ages. In particular I will be discussing the weapons used during the Hundred Years War. But first we shall start with a prayer. (folds hands and begins praying. Fifteen minutes later…)
Amen. Now we shall commence with a hymn…(looks off camera again.)
What? What do you mean, ‘no hymn?’ Of course we will sing….What?…..Very well then! Have it your way, heathen! I hope God forgives you. Apparently we do not have “time” for a hymn. (Mumbles something about Godless heathens.)

The first weapon we will look at today is also my favorite, the long sword or bastard sword or hand-and-a-half sword.

This was the standard issue for knights all over Christendom. It is distinctive from swords outside of Europe for its distinctive cross shape. (raises sword up and kisses the hilt) It is called the bastard sword because it is in between a two- handed sword and a one handed. (she grips sword with one hand.) It can be used one handed and this is how it was used while mounted or with a shield. However, if you’re knocked of your horse or loose your shield there is enough space to use a second hand. It is long enough and balanced so a knight can easily wield it while on a horse. The blade is straight and double edged and can be used for hacking, slashing or stabbing. Also, the pommel, the end of the handle, is great for bashing heads. Knights were not barbaric thugs that smashed and hacked. There was quite a lot of training to go along with being a knight and each trainer had a slightly different style. The Germans used different styles than the Italians or the filthy English for example. I used mine without a shield and relied on my armor and God’s protection. When I wasn’t carrying my banner I would hold the sword’s handle in one hand, and hold the blade with the other. In that way I had much more control and I can attack with either end in any direction. Another way to use it, if you have good gloves or gauntlets, is to use the long sword as a club or hammer. The pommel and cross guard are great for hitting English with.

The next weapon is the often overlooked Halberd.

part spear, part axe, all awesome.

This was a weapon used by foot soldiers and man-at-arms…why are you laughing…I don’t get it…what’s a She-Ra? I will ignore those silly people. A halberd is a pole arm with an axe head, a long spike and either a spike on the back or a hook to latch onto mounted knights and pull them down. It is a defensive and offensive weapon for unmounted soldiers. The Swiss used them to go after the mounted Nobility in the Burgundian War. As fire arms became more common on the battlefield, the halberd was eventually replaced by the pike but some units continued to use them, including the Swiss Guard of the Vatican. (genuflects and gets back up) There are other weapons similar to a halberd such as a glaive.

a pole arm with a long blade at the end, similar to a Japanese Naganita or a Chinese guan doa.

No! Not that glaive!

A bardiche or “poll axe.” The blade is offset of the pole for the gunners to rest their guns on as they fire, a kind of mono-pod that helped with stability and aiming. The Polish loved them.

A wicked weapon that was favorite of the Poles and the Russians.

Another halberd type weapon is the lochaber axe, a Scottish weapon…by the way, the Scotts were a great help in our wars against the English. They dislike the English as much as us French!  The lochaber axe was made by the Scottish to counteract English cavalry because they didn’t really have cavalry of their own. It has a little hook on the back they got from their own shepard’s nooks and used it to pull vile Englishmen off of their horses.

Scotts weren't fond of being told what to do.

Next up is the war hammer

No! Not that war hammer! Why is Zach's staff giving me such a hard time? I'm starting to think they may be Englishmen.

Yes!! This war hammer! The kind for bashing!

There’s also the billhook, but I’ll let you look up that one on your own.
The war hammer is…well…a hammer. It came in two varieties, long handled, like a halberd for taking down mounted foes, and a short one for close combat. The reason the war hammer came about was due to plate armor. Let me side track here a little bit and talk about plate armor. Look at the armor I am wearing. (beats breast plate ) It is full plate and there are many incorrect ideas about plate armor that I have seen in your silly movies. For one, a person can get back up when knocked down. Quite easily actually. The suit of armor is tailored to the individual and the weight is distributed evenly along the body, unlike chain mail which hangs on the shoulders. It actually allows a good deal of freedom of movement.

(runs around the training ground swinging her sword.  Comes back to table slightly winded.)

Now, here’s the good part. Not much can penetrate plate armor. Arrows from bows cannot. Swords cannot. Not even heavy battle axes. no, at best you will dent the armor. There are only two ways.  One, you can get in close with a dagger and try to get in a gap such as the neck, armpit or groin. The other option, and far less likely to get killed, is to bash them. This is what a war hammer is for. You dent the armor and crush the bones beneath. Hit the helmet and ring his head like a bell. Also, this is what maces are good for. Same theory. If you go at knight if full plate armor, be prepared for a lethal challenge. It is the most dangerous foe you can face on a battlefield.
Next up is the flail.

Flail, a former farmer's tool.

Morning star, NOT a farmer's tool.

The flail was a farmer’s tool and was often used in peasant uprisings all across Europe. In Japan, the flail became what you call the nunchaku, or “nunchucks.” A flail was easy to make and devastating when it hit, but it was hard to use and impossible to use in a tight formation. Aside from hitting power, it could also flail around the enemy’s shield and still hit them. The other version is called a “morning star” or “ball and chain.” I will ignore’s Zach’s crew. No, I don’t know why they’re laughing. the morning star is difficult to use, but very powerful. Not a weapon for the timid.
Next weapon is the battle axe.

Favorite of Minotaurs, Dwarves and bad guys.

There were all kinds of battle axes: two handed, one handed, double bladed, short, long and even thrown. The Franks, my blessed ancestors, were famous for their throwing axes, the Francisca. Vikings loved axes.
Next up is a Belgian (back then, Flanders) weapon, no, not an FS2000, but a “Godendag,” which means “Good Day!”

"So simple, a peasant can make it!"

Another Belgian weapon, though not so simple as the Gotendag.

The Godendag is a weapon the Flemish peasants made to go up against our French armored knights. The name, “good day” possibly comes from when the Flemish rebelled, they went around saying “Good day,” to people and if they responded with a French accent, they would get killed. The Godendag is basically a cross between a club and a spear. It’s thicker at the end to club people and it has a long spike. They would use the spike to defend against cavalry charges or to attack mounted knights and then club them when they got their enemy on the ground. Simple to make, simple to use and very dangerous.
And lastly, we have my favorite weapons, the “Culverin” and “bombard.” These are black powder weapons, one is hand held, the other is mounted on wheels. Culverins were basically small cannons with a wooden pole.

Didn't know Joan used guns? She was actually famous for her talents in black powder weapons and how quickly she learned them. She was the Magpul of her day. Dynamic art of the culverin!

At the siege of Calais, I used bombards, most of them captured, to drive the English out of the city. They were noisy things that made a lot of smoke, but they were effective against castle and town walls! Guns and cannons showed up fairly early in the Middle Ages, since the 1300′s. Often their use is ignored, but they often played a major part in the battles.
I hope you learned something today. I enjoyed being here and I enjoy teaching about how to kill Engli…how to use weapons responsibly.

Now we will end this session with a prayer, some hymns and mass.
(camera fades out as she kneels to pray.)

After these messages we’ll be riiiiight back!

Tomoe Gozen

A Japanese, butt-kicking beauty that liked to take heads as trophies.

(curtain pulls up and shows Zach sitting behind a desk and Anna Komemne sitting on a brown chair two chairs away from Zach. There’s a live studio audience.)
Zach – Thank you all for being here. With me as always is my co-host, Anna Komemne, famous Byzantine historian and today we have a special guest.
Anna- Aren’t all our guests special? I mean, that is why we have them here.
Zach – Yes, but this one is even more special-er. Today we have a woman who fought and survived the Genpei War in the late 12th century. She was concubine to the warlord, Minamoto no Yoshinaka. I welcome to our studio, TOMOE GOZEN!!
(audience claps)
(A Japanese woman wearing full samurai armor walks onto stage. She sits down on an ugly chair beside Zach’s desk.)
Zach – Thank you for coming. I’m so glad you can make it.
Tomoe – (bows slightly) It is honor to be here.
Zach – So, tell me Tomoe, doesn’t your name, “Gozen” mean something?
Tomoe – Yes, it is title of honor. As concubine and general of my late husband’s army, I had much importance.
Zach – Wow. That is impressive. Was it common for women to learn to fight?
Tomoe – Learn to fight, yes, go out to war and lead troops, no. Many noble women learned Naginata, a long curved spear. Sometimes they call it “Woman’s spear,” but many used it, even Sohei Monks. Women kept spear above doorways of houses to protect home when men gone away.

Awesome and very effective against mounted enemies or while mounted. Similar to a European Halbred.

Zach – I see a lot of pictures show you with a naginata.
Tomoe – Yes, but I didn’t use one. I use large two handed sword, like a Nodachi.

It's not the size of the sword that counts....okay, maybe it is.

Zach – I wonder why that is. The “Tale of Heike” clearly says you carried a big freaking sword. Here, let me read what it says about you.
“Tomoe was especially beautiful, with white skin, long hair, and charming features. She was also a remarkably strong archer, and as a swordswoman she was a warrior worth a thousand, ready to confront a demon or a god, mounted or on foot. She handled unbroken horses with superb skill; she rode unscathed down perilous descents. Whenever a battle was imminent, Yoshinaka sent her out as his first captain, equipped with strong armor, an oversized sword, and a mighty bow; and she performed more deeds of valor than any of his other warriors.”
Anna – Sounds like most people just follow the tradition of women using the naginata instead of actually reading. Typical. I bet the artists were men.
Tomoe – I don’t know. Maybe they like naginata better?
Zach – So, you were a samurai, right?
Anna – What kind of question was that? Look at her. She looks like a friggin’ samurai. Did I just say “friggin’?” I’ve been hanging out with you too long.
Tomoe – Actually, it’s pretty good question. For most of history, Samurai no called Samurai. They called “Bushi” which means “warrior.” At first, bushi just military soldiers. But they slowly gained power over time. They became a noble class. By time I was born, I was born into Samurai class.
Zach – Also, the Genpei war in which you fought in was responsible for the Samurai gaining permanent power over the government. After the war you guys made the emperor a figure head for over six hundred years until the Meiji Restoration.
Tomoe – Yes, the war was fought by clans trying to take over government. The Taira and Minamoto clans. Minamoto was weakened by rebellion so Taira started war, but ended up loosing. Serves them right.
Zach – So, did you guys have the code of Bushido? (notice the word “Bushi” in there? “Do” = way “Bushi”= warrior. Bushido = way of the warrior.)
Tomoe – No, Bushido did not come until much later. Until time of Tokugawa I think. We had honor, but not systematized like code of Bushido. Our code of honor had more to do with taking heads as trophies.
Anna – Sounds barbaric.
Zach – Well, going back to the Tale of Heike, it tells about you taking someone’s head. I’ll read it for you.
Tomoe – Good, I don’t read English.
Zach – “Reluctant to flee, Tomoe rode with the others until she could resist no longer. Then she pulled up. “Ah! If only I could find a worthy foe! I would fight a last battle for his Lordship to watch!” She thought.
As she sat there, thirty riders came into view, led by Onda no Hachiro Moroshige, a man renowned in Musashi Provence for his great strength. Tomoe galloped into their midst, rode up along side Moroshige, seized him in a powerful grip, pulled him down against the pommel of her saddle, held him motionless, twisted his head off and threw it away. “
Anna – Goodness!
Tomoe – (laughs) I didn’t actually twist head off. I cut it off.
Anna – That does make a bit more sense.
Tomoe – They like to exaggerate.
Zach – But still, you pulled the guy down and cut off his head. Exaggerated or not, that’s still pretty awesome.
Tomoe – Also, the weapon we used was not sword, yes we use sword, but it a back up weapon. Last resort. We use mostly bow and staff. I was exception because I like sword.
Zach – You were a lot of exceptions apparently.
Anna – So, how were you treated as a leader, being a woman?
Tomoe – Well, the Taira clan would never have allowed me to be an officer. They are…how do you say, elitist? They snobbish. They spend too much time writing poetry and letters. Our Genji clan was much more…rustic and simple.
Zach – Can you tell us a story from the war? Something interesting?
Tomoe – Well, I was in disguise at the Battle of Uji Bridge, a Sohei monk named Tajima defended a bridge against the Taira clan. He stood on bridge with his mighty Naginata and the Taira clan shot arrows at him. He used his naginata to cut arrows out of sky. They kept shooting at him but he kept knocking arrows out of sky. He earned the nickname, the “Arrow Cutter.”

Arrow Cutter in action!

Zach – Wow. That guy was pretty studly. Also, not very peaceful for a Buddhist monk.
Tomoe – Sohei monks were not pacifists. They were like Germany’s Tuetonic Knights or Knights Templar. Warrior monks.
Zach – So, tell me about this armor your wearing. It’s a bit bulkier than I’m used to seeing.
Tomoe – This is called O-yoroi, or Great Armor. It is symbol of status. It is big and heavy. Lesser Bushi or Samurai used the lighter Do-maru armor and the foot soldiers used simple, lighter versions of Do-maru.

A blinged up O-yoroi set of armor.

Zach- Why did they eventually get rid of the O-yoroi?
Tomoe – O-yoroi was used mostly for being on horse. When Samurai begin to fight on foot, they switch to lighter armor.
Anna – I notice that your armor is made from many small metal plates sewn together. This is what we Romans call “lamellar.”
Tomoe – Yes, is similar in function, but not in appearance.
Zach – After the Genpei war, history sort of looses track of you. Most think you retired to a monastery.
Tomoe – Eventually, yes. But after battle, I wandered Japan. I found a young girl who is annoying and we had many adventures. It seemed almost once a week we come to town where they need help and we solve their problems.
Zach – Like certain TV shows…never mind.
Tomoe – What?
Zach – Nothing. In the TV show, Riverworld, which is awesome, we see a depiction of you wearing home made bamboo armor and wielding two swords.
Tomoe – I never use two swords. That style was developed by Miyamoto Musashi, many hundreds years later. I mostly use bow but sometimes my no-dachi.
Zach – So, the times you lived in, samurai were pretty different than what we mostly see in movies.
Tomoe – Yes, correct, but I did watch 13 Assassins. I love movie. Lots of fighting. Most samurai movies come from time after unification of Japan, after warring states period when Samurai spend as much time writing poems and arranging flowers as fighting. Instead of flower arranging, we presented severed heads to our lords.
Anna – I imagine that was a festive time for all the children.
Tomoe – Yes! My niece loved it.
Anna- (shakes head.)
Zach – Well, that’s all we have time for today. If you have questions, leave a comment and I promise that Tomoe will answer them.
Tomoe – I would love to.
Anna – What’s up for next time, Zach?
Zach – I think our next guest will be Joan D’Arc and I believe she has some weapon demonstrations for us.
Anna – Friggin’ awesome.

Zach – As we depart, I must add that Tomoe Gozen is still revered in Japan today.

This was taken at a festival in Japan.

The Great Ridiculous War

Zach – Welcome back! Today we will be discussing the causes and beginning of the first World War, also known as the Great War. We are joined by our guest panelists, starting with Anna Komemne, first woman historian.
Anna – It is a great pleasure to be here as always.
Zach – Next we have Julius Caesar. Dictator of the Roman Republic.
Caesar – I will enlighten all that listen.
Zach – Then we have Buffalo Calf Road, Cheyenne woman warrior and killer of Custer.
Buffalo – (Nods)
Zach – And last and certainly not least, because if I said that she’d cut off my head, Hua Mulan! Famous woman soldier from China.

We get kitted out and hit the trenches as we discuss WWI!

Mulan – Let’s get started.
Zach – And so we shall! Our topic today is the First World War. You will notice that we don’t have our favorite guest, Napoleon.
Anna – That was… what you call, sarcasm, right?
Zach – Yes, that was heavy sarcasm, but there is a reason he’s not with us today. The reason is, he’s too close to the subject.
Caesar – What do you mean? He was almost a hundred years earlier.
Zach – We’ll find out as we get to it.
Mulan – I understand that they called it, the war to end all wars? Sounds rather naive, don’t you think? Do they not understand human nature?
Zach – Well, that has to do with the culture that dominated Europe at the time. Europe has been at relative peace ever since they defeated Napoleon at Waterloo. And well, a whole lot hadn’t changed in the past hundred years.
Buffalo – How could it not change? My people saw you Americans change a great deal in that time.
Zach – True, they developed trains, machine guns, planes and cars, but the way they fought wars didn’t really change.
Mulan – I talked with Napoleon for a while. I was interested in his way of warfare and we compared notes. From what I understand, they got into formations, concentrated rifle fire with artillery support. They hauled everything around with horses and Napoleon developed the Division, large formations of 12 battalions with 12 batteries of cannons. That’s 12,000 rifle men and seventy two cannons.
Anna – And each nation had dozens of these Divisions.
Caesar – Wait a minute. How could they form and sustain such large armies? Not even my legions were that large!
Zach – That’s right. These are the largest armies that the world had ever seen and with firepower more devastating than anything they’d had before. They now had cannons that created bigger booms, machine guns that fired a whole lot of bullets and bombs dropped from the air. This was industrialized and mechanical slaughter. But there was a problem.
Mulan – They didn’t change their tactics.
Zach – Correcto!
Buffalo – So they would march slowly towards a forest of machine guns?
Zach – Pretty much. Yup.
Mulan – That’s insane. They’re sending their men to their deaths. It’s wasteful to say the least. Murder at most.
Zach – It’s a horrible thing to think about. But before we get into the nitty gritty of how the war was started and fought, let’s talk more about Europe before the war broke out. As I said, not much had changed since the fall of Napoleon. Europe was a peaceful place that was ruled by the ideas of the Enlightenment, a philosophy that basically said that reason, rationality and liberalism are the way to go. Europe, though controlled by monarchies, were governed by constitutions and the rule of law, that everyone was equal under it.
Anna – They didn’t believe a war could break out in their day and age. They had been at peace for so long that they thought a war was impossible.
Caesar – Again, they forgot human nature. They also thought no one would start a war because they were too prosperous and no one would want to disturb such great money making.
Mulan – But war broke out.
Anna – Yes, and it was the most devastating war the world had seen. Ten million dead. Two million dead in France and four million dead from Germany. 630,000 war widows in France alone and countless others that never had a chance to get married. There were hundreds of thousands of veterans that were so maimed that they had to have special communities where they could vacation just to get away.
Mulan – Those are cold facts. Your historians tend to shrug this off and say “oh, they quickly repopulated after the war,” but they forget to take into account the emotional damage the war did to Europe.
Zach – The war was so devastating that it shattered their belief in rationalism, humanity and democracy. It left the whole continent embittered, shattered and vengeful. Germany, in particular was full of rage at having lost the war. They hadn’t been allowed to mourn their dead properly like other countries. France and England buried their dead as heroes. Germany only got unmarked mass graves in France.
Anna – So, this war shattered the unified, peaceful culture in Europe and replaced it with an angry, hopeless, and disillusioned one; a culture that would allow the atrocities that happened in the second world war. The second World War was fought with some of the same people, such as Winston Churchill who was Lord Admiral of the Navy and Rommel and often fought in the same places.
Zach – Remember, no one say the “H” word around here. I’ve promised my readers that we will not mention a certain evil dictator’s name.
Caesar – I’ll try.
Buffalo – But Europe wasn’t a bunch of hippies before the war. They had warrior societies like us Cheyenne. Every man had to join the military for two years and then go into the reserves, like that National Guard you were in, Zach.
Anna – Yes, we in the Roman Empire..er…Byzantium to distinguish it from Caesar’s western empire, had a theme system like that as well.
Zach – Every male was in the reserves, so they all knew about military life first hand and this allowed a potential for MILLIONS of soldiers.
Caesar – If I had had that many soldiers, I could have conquered all of Germania!

Zach – So, now we get into how the war started. I’m going to put this as delicately as possible.
It was completely moronic.
Mulan – A continent of fools.
Anna – But how did it start. I’m a historian and I’m still confused.
Buffalo – I don’t understand how you Europeans can complicate everything. It’s almost as if you’re afraid of simplicity.
Zach – Well, Buff, I’ll try to make this as simple as possible.
Caesar – Good luck. I read the books you suggested and I’m still not certain how it all came about.
Mulan – I thought it was simple. One country wanted to fight a smaller country but the small country had a big friend that stepped in so the other country called in its big friend and….
Buffalo – I’m confused already.
Anna – I’m not sure it can be simplified in such terms.
Mulan – Sure it can. I must admit that as a soldier, things are much simpler.
Zach – Well, let’s start at the beginning.
Caesar – I need an Aspirin.
Buffalo – I’m going to get a drink.
Zach – I got some Dew in the fridge.
Anna – Might I bother you to fetch me one as well?
Mulan – Me as well.
Caesar – And bring those…what did you call them?
Zach – Hot pockets.
Caesar – Yes! Bring to me Hot Pockets!
Buffalo – Say please.
Caesar – I never say please.
Buffalo – Then you never get Hot Pockets.
Caesar – Um…well…please?
Buffalo – That’s better.
(Buffalo steps out.)
Zach – So, as I was saying, we start at the beginning and take this step by step.
Caesar – From what I read, all the trouble started with an assassination of a patrician.
Anna – A nobleman by the name of Archduke Ferdinand. He went down to Bosnia for an annual military inspection.
Zach – But he chose the wrong day. It was the anniversary of a huge defeat of Serbia by the Ottoman Empire. That just ticked them off even more.
Anna – So some rebels, with guns and bombs from the Serbian military armory ambushed the Austrian duke and killed him.
Mulan – Austria didn’t appreciate that and wanted to punish Serbia. But Serbia had a big friend, Russia. Austria was afraid Russia would step in. So they went and asked their own big friend, Germany if they would “have their back.”
Caesar – They should have acted with some boldness. If they just went ahead and attacked as was their right, no one would have noticed or cared much, but since they went crying to Germany, this got the attention of Russia.
Anna – We must understand that the Austro-Hungarian Empire at this time was a weak, divided empire that wanted to prove to the rest of Europe that they weren’t weak. So they mobilized their armies to get ready for war.
Zach – And this made Russian begin a pre-mobilization. A full mobilization is the final step before declaring war and would cause Germany to mobilize or even declare war.
Mulan – But Austria wasted time. The assassination took place on the 28th of June and waited until the 5th of July to ask Germany.
Zach – On the 6th the Kaizer gave his thumbs up and promptly went on a three week long cruise. Bad timing there buddy.
(Buffalo comes back in with bottles of Mountain Dew and microwaved Hot Pockets.)
Caesar – Finally!
Buffalo – You’re welcome, jerk.
Mulan – Thank you Mrs. Road.
Zach – So, the Kaizer gave Austria their promise to support them in case Russia steps in, but a war was the last thing Germany wanted. So Austria decides to send an ultimatum to Serbia, a strongly worded letter telling Serbia that they’re Austria’s plaything now. But they waited until the 19th to get together to write it. I don’t know why they waited two weeks.
Mulan – But this gave time for the French minister to reach Russian on his little trip. So, when Russia heard of this, they were able to immediately talk to France about it.
Buffalo – What happened with the ultimatum?
Caesar – It got to Serbia on the 23rd and they had till the 25th to answer. At first they were about to cave in and do what the Goths…er…Austrians wanted. But then they heard from their ambassador that Russian wanted to support Serbia and this made them too big for their togas and so they decided to reject Austria’s demands.
Mulan – They sent their rejection and immediately began preparing for war. Russia then began their pre-deployment.
Zach – I’ve experienced this pre-deployment before. We get word that war might be coming and so we get in contact with our chain of command and the units start preparing their equipment. It’s kind of nerve racking because you don’t know if it’s going to happen or not.
Anna – English and French ambassadors told Russia to stay calm and not mobilize because that might cause Germany to declare war on them.
Mulan – Now enters a villain. While Russia and Austria began to try to talk to each other, an Austrian count named Berchtold, secretly began to prepare for war and was about to send out a call for full mobilization. But before he could, there was a small skirmish between Austria and Serbia and this gave Berchtold the excuse he was looking for and declared war on Serbia.
Buffalo – But he wasn’t the chief. How could he do that?
Zach – He didn’t have the authority or power, but he did it anyway and the rest of the government just went along with it because…I don’t know, they’re stupid. This was the 28th of July. Then Russia was about to declare their full mobilization.
Buffalo – But why? What does Austria fighting with Serbia have to do with Russia? I’ve seen the map. They’re far apart.
Caesar – It was pointless. They had no reason to do so. They were only afraid that if Austria went to war, then Germany would mobilize and that meant a whole German army on Russia’s boarders.
Mulan – It was fear and mutual distrust then.
Anna – At this time, the Kaizer sent the Tzar a telegram saying “It would be quite possible for Russia to remain a spectator of the Austro-Sebian conflict without involving Europe in the most horrible war she has ever witnessed.”
Caesar – He knew what was at stake.
Buffalo – So, the German chief didn’t want war? So why are they blamed for it?
Anna – Because the Franks won and the victors get to write the history.
Zach – Well, the telegram made the Tzar cancel his mobilization.
Buffalo – But it didn’t end there, did it? Who messed up?
Mulan – The German Chief of Staff, Moltke, wanted a partial mobilization but then Austria sent all its eastern divisions south to Serbia to beat up on them, but this left the east weak against Russia. So when Moltke heard of this, he ordered his partial mobilization.
Buffalo – So this made them look two faced to Russia.
Mulan – And then Russia went ahead with their full mobilization.
Anna – That was the 31st of July and Germany declared war on Russia.
Caesar – Then France declared war and England. It was like falling pillars, one knocking the other over and the whole temple tumbles over.
Zach – So, Germany followed the schlieffen plan which was developed by a total dork who only cared about time tables and troop movements. He concocted this plan that made Germany go through neutral Belgium and rush to Paris and knock France out of the war.
Mulan – Isn’t that the plan they used in the second World War?
Zach – It is but it didn’t work this time because as the plan said itself, they just couldn’t get enough troops to Paris quick enough to knock them out.
Buffalo – So, their plan was doomed from the beginning?
Zach – Yup.
Caeser – but Germany went ahead with this asinine plan and went into Belgium.
Mulan – And committed atrocities there. This made the Belgians hate Germany and shamed Germany. Their offensive went into France came to a stop before they got to Paris.
Anna – And that’s where the war turned into a meatgrinder. The war wasn’t about gaining ground or objectives, but about enemy deaths. The war was an atrocity and everyone could see the systematic death that happened daily.
Zach – And the final result was?
Anna – a traumatized Europe. Gas attacks were used. Hatred was stoked like a fire and hope was shattered. The second World War was just a continuation of this one, only now they had less morals and mercy.
Buffalo – I still find it hard to imagine millions of deaths. Custer only had about two hundred with him.
Zach – Smaller battles in WWI killed more people than Waterloo or Sekigahara. The larger battles, like Somme were total atrocities that saw thousands and thousands get mowed down. It was a new era and a much darker one. Things wouldn’t be the same. This war created the second World War and that shaped the modern world we live in now.
Anna – So, why should we care about the first World War? Because it created the world we now live in. Just look at a map of Europe today.
Buffalo – That’s not a good thing.
Mulan – A war without honor, pity or mercy. I wouldn’t want to be a part of such a thing. Numbers shouldn’t mean more than a person’s life.
Buffalo – I feel like mourning.
Zach – Have some Mountain Dew. That always cheers me up.
Caesar – And bring me more Hot Pockets!
Buffalo – Quiet or I’ll show you what I do to loud mouth braggarts.

A map of Europe before WWI. Notice the fewer but larger countries and empires.

Now notice all the many countries that gained independence due to the continent tearing itself apart.

Happy Krampus Time!

In honor of the Christmas season, I present a Christmas tradition that has been all but forgotten. What I am talking about is Krampus! Krampus is Santa’s bad cop in their good cop/bad cop buddy team. While Santa’s driving, Krampus is shooting out the window and sliding over car hoods. Santa, as we all know, treats the good kids, but the bad kids were visited by a horrible, demonic creature named Krampus!

You don't want to be on the bad list!

The origins of Krampus date back to Pagan Germany so technically, he’s older than Christmas. Well, Krampus would show up and if you’re lucky, he’ll leave you some coal. If you’re really bad, he’ll beat you with a stick. If you’re REALLY REALLY bad, he’ll put you in a sack and toss you in the river. Maybe today’s kids could use a Krampus.

Krampus should visit Washington DC. He'd find lots of people to toss into the Potomic.

Austria, in the early 1900′s, tried to discourage and outlaw the celebrations of Krampus. But, there’s good news for us Krampus fans! He’s staging a comeback. People will dress up as Krampus and scare the children. Now that is a great Christmas tradition that I could get behind. So, be good for goodness sake, for Krampus is coming to town!

Krampus has a video!

Now he's got paparazi chasing after him. This photo was taken outside of Lindsey Lohan's house. They stopped him before he could put her in a sack.

Promotional poster #2

Matilda of Tuscany being a total Bad A!

Mulan taking fools out. She likes the Chinese made AK better than her Jia.

Posters!!

Coming soon to a theatre near you!

Thrill at the excitement!